Monarch butterflies. Monarchs come out of their little caterpillar cocoon - they are born and they fly. Depending on the time of year, north for the summer and south for the winter (to be honest, I don't really know shit about butterflies outside of what 3rd grade taught me, but that's what I got). For the butterflies born during migration period of the year, they live the longest - and they are the ones who travel about 3,000 miles with their little wings. They live months, whereas the butterflies not born during that period, die after 2-4 weeks (I googled this). When those butterflies leave for the season, they never return. If they are "off" with their timing - that entire generation dies. I will come back to this, I promise it is not as depressing as the facts make it sound. Bare with me.
There are many things about trauma that I have learned over the years. Both in my personal life and professional experiences. I don't even know half of it and I am also not credentialed to fully speak on it. But the biggest, most difficult thing is that in your trauma you became who you need to be in order to survive. Then once you're out of it you need to learn to be who you need to be in order to thrive. Sounds easy right? Figure it out, accept the trauma and move on. Totally.
Humans are incredibly resilient. In the moment of our trauma, we are able to withstand what is put in front of us. Fight, flight, freeze, or fawn...our body (and subconscious mind) finds a way to survive. That is beautiful in itself. Regardless of if you wanted to survive it or not - your body made its way out. Your mind did what it had to, to ensure that you lived. That is beautiful.
Trauma re-wires the brain. The body does keep score. One thing I have noticed in my professional experiences is that children in foster care often have an increase of difficult behaviors around the time of traumatic experiences (1 year anniversary of being removed, or the same season that a traumatic incident occurred). It is a protective method from the brain. The brain sends signals to protect the body. It happens to me every year around Valentine's day through until May. My anxiety is high, my depression is high, it's just not a fun time. That is okay. It's a cycle, my body never fully moved on from trauma - even when I felt like I did.
Personally, my body got stuck in fight. I feel like I am always preparing for what is coming next instead of living in the present. In a very vulnerable sense, I am trying to figure out how that looks. I know I have options:
1. I can listen to the body's score and act accordingly.
2. I can focus on what is within my locus of control, even though the events that lead to my trauma were out of my control.
3. I can trust that I am doing everything I can for my higher self, making all the right choices for that moment. I can be mindful and believe that I am strong enough to overcome whatever may come my way...essentially be so strong in my inner peace that nothing outside can disrupt me.
And thats exactly how the options flowed in my mind. I knew 1. My brain taught it to me. 2? I learned that in therapy. 3? I learned that when I became more rooted in spirituality and after a long time of processing, unpacking.
Back to the Monarch butterflies... my attempt at some deeper metaphor that may not even work (but we are doing it). The thing about those lucky long-living butterflies that happen to be born during right before migration? The continue on. They fly their little wings for survival. They don't turn back, they never actually go back. They keep moving. That's how I want to perceive my life. I have been fortunately provided with health. I was born at that specific time to my specific family. I didn't miss that one stop light (if i had, maybe i would have been in an accident that ended it all), the path I have been on has given me life. Regardless of the difficulty that I may have faced. That was my path and I am so grateful. I am so grateful that I experienced all that I did, in order to grow into who I am meant to be. In order to understand life in a much deeper sense. In order to meet the people I have. In order to find a deeper knowing.
My guess is, those little butterflies that get to make their journey - have no idea what their life could have been. They have no idea life outside their journey (which I am sure in that thousand mile journey the little guys faced hardship). But if it weren't for that journey, they wouldn't know life as it is in the north...how beautiful the flowers are, how bright the skies are, or made it to make little baby caterpillars, at just the right time for their babies to fly south. They don't know. Neither do you, or I. So as far as I am concerned, I will trust that I am existing for my higher self, growing through it. Knowing I will overcome, and find a life much bigger than I anticipated. Just as you will. Just as my clients will. Just as I hope all do.
Release yourself from versions of yourself you created just to survive - there is sunshine within you...especially if you allow yourself to exist in every season you get, whether it feels dark outside or not. Stop fighting it. Let love in, despite all of the trauma or whatever you may have seen or experienced - you are just as worthy of the most beautiful life. And you can find it.
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